The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
