Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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