So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
