tell your sister to shave her snatch
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
