Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
