Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
