Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
