Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
