When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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