I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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