More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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