last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
