I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
