it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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