The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
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Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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