The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
