Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
