You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
