oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
