After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I had to cum in my sink.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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