Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
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I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
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It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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