the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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