I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
