He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
