I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
