May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
