I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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