Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
