Don't make out with my wife yet
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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