wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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