I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
