I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
