just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
