why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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