i think my mom watched the whole time
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
