apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
