I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
