You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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