I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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