Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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