I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
