I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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