I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
