and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
