Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
