I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
