I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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