Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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