i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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