Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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