my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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