1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
