the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
