Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
