She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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