there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
