if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
