I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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