I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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